Dear Newsweek, This may be an unusual way to start an email but it is relevant. When it comes to men, I have always made it very clear that I do not engage in oral copulation. Any man that has ever asked me to do such a thing has been automatically ousted from my life. When I got married, I made this very clear to my husband.
In Spring 2018, some seven years into our marriage, I was having a conversation with our stepdaughter, who was 19 at the time, where she asked me if there was anything I would never do for a man. Not really thinking about it, I told her my only stipulation in relationships. Shortly after I revealed this to her, she dropped a bombshell.
My husband works for his mother's janitorial company and recently my stepdaughter went with them to work. My stepdaughter told me that on this particular occasion, a female co-worker of my husband was there, who has known the family for roughly 10 years. She went on to tell me that she saw my husband, her father, go into the bathroom with the co-worker and not come out for some time.
All I know about this woman is that she has three children and is living with a man that may be the father of at least one of them. Previously she was married to a different man who, with the help of my husband, she manage to get deported. Since then she has been living off welfare, asking for financial help to raise her kids, and working at the same company as my husband because she is friends with his mother. I should point out that I share a son with my husband.
I confronted my husband about the information my stepdaughter told me, and he completely denied it. However, a short while later, his mother confirmed it. I told my husband he needed to stop talking to the female colleague. He claimed he had but I know he was going behind my back and texting and calling her.
In 2019, my husband admitted to being in love with this woman. He sends her money from time to time and also claims to be the godfather of her children. I'm sure she doesn't feel the same way about him as she is living with another man.
As of today, my husband applied for a divorce, but it was denied. He still claims to be in love with this other woman, continues to talk to her, posts pictures of them kissing on social media, and visits her whenever he can. By law, we are together and we live together, but my husband is trying his hardest to keep these facts a secret.
I believe both my stepdaughter and my mother-in-law owe me an apology because I feel like they have come together to try and push me out of the family. I refuse to talk to either of them. Despite this, and the difficult situation my marriage is in, my stepdaughter has moved out and recently become a new mom. She did not invite me to the baby shower but I still wanted to send something, especially at Christmas. My husband told me I was not allowed to, presumably because he doesn't want anyone to think we are together.
As for my husband, I think he is delusional. However, I am willing to stay together for our son. The way I figure it, if any of his family want me in their lives, they will get a hold of me. I have made it very clear that unless they apologize to me for trying to ruin my family over what they did, I do not want to talk to them. Do you think that I am doing the right thing by taking this stand?
Bianca, Unknown
Newsweek's "What Should I Do?" offers expert advice to readers. If you have a personal dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice on relationships, family, friends, money and work and your story could be featured on WSID at Newsweek.
Staying With A Cheater For The Sake Of A Child Will Cause More Damage
Dr. Chloe Carmichael, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and the author of Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety and Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.
First of all, I am so sorry that you are suffering from an unfaithful husband.
I can't help but wonder if you are taking out your understandable anger over your husband's infidelity on the wrong party. You indicated that you blame your stepdaughter and mother-in-law for "ruining your family," when actually your husband is the person who is breaking the marital vows. Your stepdaughter and mother-in-law just provided you with information that highlighted what your husband was doing. Instead of being angry with them, you might even actually be grateful to them.
You mentioned that your husband filed for divorce, but that his request was denied. I'm assuming this means you do not want a divorce, as you also indicated a belief that staying together for the sake of your son is the right choice. Obviously, you need to do whatever is best for you, but I would invite you to at least consider how remaining with a man who is habitually unfaithful and who publicizes this fact to the entire community may actually have a negative impact on your son as well.
You have my greatest sympathies because I really do believe you are in an incredibly difficult situation. You presumably had a child in good faith, with a husband who had promised his life to you. Him failing on this promise in such a flagrant, shameless, ongoing manner can feel as if your life is turning upside down. When things are turning upside down, it is very important we remain as clear-headed and rational as possible about what exactly is causing the problem.
For this reason, again, I urge you to consider if redirecting the anger you are currently pointing at your stepdaughter and mother-in-law towards your husband might stimulate you to reconsider your decision to stay maritally devoted to a man who is clearly (and sadly!) not devoted to you or to providing a positive paternal role model to the son you share.
I completely understand this is a lot to unpack emotionally, as well as logistically, since major life changes are happening. Whether you decide to leave or stay, you will need a lot of emotional support to help you confront some difficult truths and take full ownership of your decisions around how to respond to this painful and fraught situation (rather than blaming your mother-in-law and stepdaughter who actually seem to have done nothing to cause your husband's egregious behavior). Take good care of yourself. You're in a difficult chapter but better times are available once you pinpoint the true problem and take action to confront it directly.
You Don't Have To Be Married To Raise A Happy And Healthy Child
Peter Lobl is a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship issues with adults and couples, with a private practice in New York City.
Thanks for your letter about your family situation, which sounds both stressful and painful. I read that you are trying to take a stand for yourself and for what you think is right. You've maintained boundaries with your husband and with men you have dated in the past, and you are now trying to take a stand with your stepdaughter and mother-in-law. If the two of them tried to alienate you from your family, it is only normal that you would at least demand an apology before resuming contact with them.
In reading your letter, however, there is another dimension to your family relationships that I think needs addressing; it involves your relationship with your husband. What is happening with your marriage may be very difficult to acknowledge, because fully acknowledging what is happening in that relationship may be so painful.
In your letter, you wrote that your husband said he is in love with another woman; that he has been publicizing and sharing pictures of this other romantic relationship on social media; that he visits this other woman whenever he can; and that he tries to keep the reality of your marriage secret. If he is doing all of this, what then is really left of your marriage? By filing for divorce, isn't your husband saying that he believes the marriage is over?
I can tell how much you value your relationship with your son, if you are willing to subject yourself to such hurtful and disrespectful behavior by your husband. But you and your husband don't have to be married to co-parent your son. Many divorced couples have positive co-parenting relationships and are able to collaborate over co-parenting responsibilities.
Lastly, your son may learn more about the importance of standing up for himself if he sees you stand up for yourself with your husband. Seeing you try to remain in the marriage, your son may be learning that a disrespectful, demeaning, and hurtful marriage is better than none. By leaving the marriage, you would be showing your son that healthy relationships, including marriages, depend on and require mutual respect and commitment from both partners.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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